When people tell me, 'You're gonna regret that in the morning', I sleep in til noon, because I'm a problem solver.







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The closest I've come to murder is holding my Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop.







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If I die in my sleep I can actually say I died doing what I love.







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Capitalization is the difference between 'helping your Uncle Jack off a horse' and 'helping your uncle jack off a horse'.







30      0
Does running away from my problems count as cardio?







27      0
Nothing is as disappointing as reheated fries.







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