When people tell me, 'You're gonna regret that in the morning', I sleep in til noon, because I'm a problem solver.

23      0
The closest I've come to murder is holding my Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop.

57      0
If I die in my sleep I can actually say I died doing what I love.

44      0
Capitalization is the difference between 'helping your Uncle Jack off a horse' and 'helping your uncle jack off a horse'.

30      0
Does running away from my problems count as cardio?

27      0
Nothing is as disappointing as reheated fries.

27      2