If you can't say anything nice, we should probably be friends.

10      0
When a girl says, 'lol have fun', I suggest you do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat, abort mission.

19      1
When people ask, 'What the hell were you thinking?' Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.

23      0
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that means that I can't have anymore food and I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment.

31      0
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren't me.

19      0
It's not that I'm not a morning person; I love mornings. I'm just not a waking up person.

34      0