Whenever a bird shits on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of.

4      0
When eating food from a plate, I always start with whatever I like the least.

3      0
The awkward moment when someone is watching you take a picture of yourself.

3      0
A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be in the next cell saying 'that was fucking awesome'.

2      0
You can't make someone love you. All you can do is 
stalk them & hope they panic & give in.

5      0
When you're about to fart in a store, suddenly fifty billion people decided to go to that aisle.

1      0