The negative effects of cheese puffs or chocolate ice cream are offset by the positive effects of diet soda.

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Women are like computers. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in memory.

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The simple truth: 
Girls get butterflies and guys get boners.

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When I'm bored, nobody texts me. When I'm busy, I'm the most popular person on the planet.

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This long distance relationship isn't going to work. 
Fridge, you're moving to my bedroom.

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Why bother reading books? We have Eminem and he can read a whole story in 4 minutes.

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