Officer: How high are you?
Me: No officer it's, 'Hi, how are you?'







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You call it making a mess. 
I call it marking my territory.







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Sanitizers: The thing you use when you're too lazy to wash your hands.







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Don't like me? Cool, I don't wake up every morning to impress you.







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I don't always walk all over your boobs when you sleep, but when I do, I will step right in the middle.
Sincerely, Cats.







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You know something is gonna be good when your friend says, 'You thinking what I'm thinking?'







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